SEVEN CONVERSATIONS for a LIFETIME of LOVE<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dr. Sue Johnson<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The message EFT is simple: Forget about learning how to argue better, analyzing your early childhood, making grand romantic gestures, or experimenting with new sexual positions. Instead, recognize and admit that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
EFT focuses on creating and strengthening this emotional bond between partners by identifying and transforming the key moments that foster an adult loving relationship: being open, attuned, and responsive to each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We all live out of the drama of connection and disconnection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Inevitably, we now ask our lovers for the emotional connection and sense of belonging that my grandmother could get from a whole village.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What couples and therapist too often do not see is that most fights are really protests<\/em> over emotional disconnection. Underneath all the distress, partners are asking each other: Can I count on you, depend on you? Are you there for me? Will you respond to me when I need you, when I call? Do I matter to you? Am I valued and accepted by you? Do you need me, rely on me?<\/em> The anger, the criticism, the demands, are really cries to their lovers, calls to stir their hearts, to draw their mates back in emotionally and reestablish a sense of safe connection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause. It is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness, according to a landmark study by Ted Huston of the University of Texas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This emotional responsiveness has three main components:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Conversation 1: Recognizing the Demon Dialogues<\/u><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n For all of us, the person we love the most, the one who can send us soaring joyfully into space, is also the person who can send us crashing back to earth. All it takes is a slight turning away of the head or a flip, careless remark. There is no closeness without the sensitivity. If our connection with our mate is safe and strong, we can deal with these moments of sensitivity. Indeed, we can use them to bring our partner even closer. But when we don’t feel safe and connected, these moments are like a spark in a tinder forest. They set fire to the whole relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n DEMON DIALOGUE 1\u2014FIND THE BAD GUY<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n The purpose of Find the Bad Guy is self-protection, but the main move is mutual attack, accusation, or blame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The more you attack, the more dangerous you appear to me, the more I watch for your attack, the harder I hit back. And round and round we go. This negative pattern has to be shut down before a couple can build the true trust and safety. The secret to stopping the dance is to recognize that no one has to be the bad guy. The accuse\/accuse pattern itself is the villain here and the partners are the victims.<\/p>\n\n\n\n DEMON DIALOGUE 2\u2014THE PROTEST POLKA<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Unlike the obvious attack-attack pattern of Find the Bad Guy, the Protest Polka is more subtle. One partner is demanding, actively protesting the disconnection; the other is withdrawing, quietly protesting the implied criticism. Dissatisfied partners, missing each other\u2019s signal often complain of a fuzzy \u201ccommunication problems\u201d or \u201cconstant tension.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n If I appeal to you for emotional connection and you respond intellectually to a problem, rather than directly to me, on an attachment level I will experience that as \u201cno response.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n DEMON DIALOGUE 3\u2014FREEZE AND FLEE <\/u><\/strong><\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n PLAY AND PRACTICE<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Remember that the facts of a fight (whether it\u2019s a fight about the kids\u2019 schedules, your sex life, your careers) aren’t the real issue. The real concern is always the strength and security of the emotional bond you have with your partner. It’s about accessibility, responsiveness, and emotional engagement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Conversation 2: Finding the Raw Spots<\/u><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n We all are vulnerable in love; it goes with the territory. We are more emotionally naked with those we love and so sometimes, inevitably, we hurt each other with careless words or actions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n pain is often superficial and fleeting. But almost all of us have at least one additional exquisite sensitivity\u2014a raw spot in our emotional skin\u2014that is tender to the touch, easily rubbed, and deeply painful. When this raw spot gets abraded, it can bleed all over our relationship. We lose our emotional balance and plunge into Demon Dialogues.<\/p>\n\n\n\n RECOGNIZING WHEN A RAW SPOT IS RUBBED<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n There are two signs that tell you when your raw spot or your partner\u2019s has been hit. First, there is a sudden radical shift in the emotional tone of the conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Second, the reaction to a perceived offense often seems way out of proportion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Generally in love, sharing even negative emotions, provided they don’t get out of hand, is more useful than emotional absence. Lack of response just fires up the primal panic of the other partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Conversation 3: Revisiting a Rocky Moment<\/u><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n But it does mean that they know how to stop a rift before it widens into an unbridgeable abyss. They are aware of two crucial elements of de-escalation: first, that how a partner responds at a key moment of conflict in disconnection can be deeply painful and threatening to the other; and second, that a partner\u2019s negative reactions can be desperate attempts to deal with attachment fears.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Conversation 4: Hold Me Tight\u2014Engaging and Connecting<\/u><\/em><\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n To build and sustain a secure bond, we need to be able to tune in to our loved one as strongly as we did before. How do we do this? By deliberately creating moments of engagement and connection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Conversation 4 has two parts. The first\u2014What Am I Most Afraid Of?\u2014requires further exploring and elaborating on the deeper feelings you tapped into in the previous conversations. In those dialogues, you were taking the elevator down into your emotions. To discover your attachment priorities, you must now go all the way to the ground floor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The second part\u2014What Do I Need Most from You? \u2014is crucial, the tipping point encounter in EFT. It involves being able to openly and coherently speak your needs in a way that invites your partner into a new dialogue marked by accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement, an A.R.E. conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n WHAT AM I MOST AFRAID OF?<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n This is a new, more accessible Charlie. How Kyoko responds at this point is critical. Too often in unhappy relationships, when one person takes a risk and opens up, the other partner doesn’t see or is afraid to trust the revelation. I’ve heard partners dismiss their lover\u2019s new steps towards them with everything from \u201cThat’s ridiculous\u201d to some version of \u201cSo let’s see you prove it.\u201d Then they spin back into their Demon Dialogue.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The truth is no one takes the risk of being rebuffed by disclosing, like Charlie has, unless the other person really matters. And sometimes disclosing partners have to be willing to hang in there and keep repeating their messages until their loved one gets used to seeing them in a new way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Conversation 5: Forgiving Injuries <\/u><\/em><\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n SMALL EVENTS, BIG FALLOUT<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n I have seen this sort of abrupt disconnect occur before. Couples are making steady progress, tender feelings are flowing, and then… wham! One partner brings up an event, sometimes an apparently minor one, and it\u2019s as if all the oxygen has been sucked from the room. All at once, warm hope is exchanged for chill despair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n How can one small incident have this kind of overwhelming power? Well, clearly it’s not a minor incident period to one partner at least, it is a grievous event.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ultimate Connection\u2014Love as the Final Frontier<\/u><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n HOW DOES LOVE WORK<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n In my office, more emotionally distant partners sometimes tell me, \u201cI do all kinds of things to show I care. I mow the lawn, bring in a good salary, solve problems, and I don’t play around. Why is it that, in the end, these things don’t seem to matter, and all that counts with my wife is that we don’t \u2018talk about emotional stuff and cuddle\u2019? I tell them, \u201cBecause that’s just the way we are made. We need someone to pay attention, to hold us tight, to come very close sometimes and respond to us in an emotional way that moves us, connects with us. Nothing compares with that. You need that, too. Have you forgotten?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n If I had to summarize the lessons I’ve learned from all these couples, they would look like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n SEVEN CONVERSATIONS for a LIFETIME of LOVE Dr. Sue Johnson Introduction The message EFT is simple: Forget about learning how to argue better, analyzing your early childhood, making grand romantic gestures, or experimenting with new sexual positions. Instead, recognize and admit that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4096,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[238,47],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4095","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-booknotes","category-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4095","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4095"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4095\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4097,"href":"https:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4095\/revisions\/4097"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/4096"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4095"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4095"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4095"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}\n
PART TWO \u2013 Seven Transforming Conversations<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
PART THREE \u2013 The Power of Hold Me Tight<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
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