{"id":4277,"date":"2023-06-20T15:03:51","date_gmt":"2023-06-20T19:03:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/?p=4277"},"modified":"2023-06-20T15:03:51","modified_gmt":"2023-06-20T19:03:51","slug":"peaceful-parent-happy-kids","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/?p=4277","title":{"rendered":"Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p><strong>Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>DR. LAURA MARKHAM \u20132012.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>FOREWORD<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>The parents who succeed seem to have a secret. They\u2019re more peaceful, calmer, but they also stay more connected\u2014to their kids and to their own inner wisdom. They aren\u2019t just more patient\u2014they seem more present and joyful with their children. This, of course, produces better-behaved kids\u2014so there\u2019s less need to work at being patient through clenched teeth. When their kid accidentally mows down the flowers, they already remember that what\u2019s most important is how they\u2019re raising their children, not how beautiful or impressive their flower garden is.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>The battle, of course, is never actually between a parent and child. That is just the after-manifestation of a battle that is waged inside the parent. Giving our children the best of ourselves requires that we do some inner work.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>INTRODUCTION: Secrets of Peaceful Parents<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Three big ideas.<ul><li><strong>Regulating Yourself:<\/strong> The truth is that managing our own emotions and actions is what allows us to feel peaceful as parents. Ultimately we can\u2019t control our children or the hand life deals us \u2013 but we can control our own actions. Parenting is an about what our child does, but about how we respond.<ul><li>The Aha! Moment here is that an adult\u2019s peaceful presence has a more powerful influence on a child than yelling ever could.<\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ul><ul><li><strong>Fostering Connection:<\/strong> children need to feel deeply connected to their parents or they don\u2019t feel entirely safe, and their brains don\u2019t work well to regulate their emotions and follow parental guidance<\/li><\/ul>\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li><strong>Coaching, Not Controlling<\/strong>:<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>PART ONE:&nbsp; REGULATING YOURSELF.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Chapter 1: peaceful parents raise happy kids<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Over and over, studies show that parents who respond with warm, respectful attunement to the unique needs of their individual child, setting limits supportively and coaching their child\u2019s emotions constructively, raise terrific kids. Sensible, but hard. As every parent knows, the hard part is managing our own emotional triggers so that we can make this reality even some of the time.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>A Child doesn\u2019t cause the anger or anxiety that hooks us into power struggles, that comes from our own fear and doubt.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>When we regulate our own emotions, our children learn to regulate their emotions.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Mindfulness: Allowing an emotion to take hold and pass without acting on it<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Your child is fairly certain to act like a child, which means someone who is still learning, has different priorities than you do, and can\u2019t always manage her feelings or actions. Her childish behavior is guaranteed, at times, to push your buttons. The problem is when we begin acting like a child, too.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>That\u2019s why your first responsibility in parenting is being mindful of your own interstate. Mindfulness is the op. cit. of losing your temper.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Seriously. Any time your child pushes your buttons, he\u2019s showing you an unresolved issue from your own childhood.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>But every time you pay attention, he your inner pause button, and manage her stress, you\u2019re becoming more peaceful. And that\u2019s a gives your child a greater shot at happiness.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Don\u2019t worry that you need to teach her a lesson about what she did wrong. She\u2019s getting one of the most important lessons shall ever learn: how to responsibly regulate big emotions.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Remind yourself, \u201cHe\u2019s acting like a child because he IS a child. \u2026My child needs my love most when he least \u2018deserves\u2019 it\u2026. He\u2019s asking for my help with his legitimate needs and feelings.\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Remember that \u201cexpressing\u201d your anger to another person can reinforce and escalate it.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Choose your battles. Every negative interaction with your child uses up valuable relationship capital. Focus on what matters, such as the way your child treats other humans. In the larger scheme of things, her jacket on the floor may drive you crazy, but it probably isn\u2019t worth putting your relationship bank account in the red.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Children get upset often, because of their inexperience and cognitive immaturity. It\u2019s our ability to stay calm when they\u2019re upset that helps them develop the neutral pathways to calm themselves.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Keep it simple. Your child needs you to witness her outpouring of emotion and let her know that she is still lovable, despite all these yucky feelings. Explanations, negotiations, remorse. Recriminations, advice, analysis of why she\u2019s so upset, or attempts to \u201ccomfort\u201d her (\u2018There, there, you don\u2019t have to cry. That\u2019s enough.\u201d) will all shut down this natural emotive process. Don\u2019t force her to express herself in words; she\u2019s doesn\u2019t have access to the rational brain when she\u2019s so upset. Of course. You want to \u201cteach\u201d-but that needs to wait. Your child can\u2019t learn until she\u2019s calm. You don\u2019t have to say it too much.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Never walk away emotionally. Your child depends on you to hold the vision of her at her best. If she senses you\u2019re giving up on her, she\u2019ll give up on herself. Has she strayed? Go get her. But don\u2019t join her on the low road. Embrace her with your love and she\u2019ll rejoin you on the high road.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>It seems to me that the most important rule to raise terrific children are for us, not our children. We begin with taking responsibility for ourselves and end with connection as the ultimate rule.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>The most important parenting skill: Manage yourself. Take care of yourself so you aren\u2019t venting on your child. Intervene before your own feelings get out of hand. Keep your cup full. The more you care for yourself with compassion, the more love and compassion you\u2019ll have for your child. Remember that your child will do every single thing you do, whether that\u2019s yelling or making self-disparaging remarks about your body.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Laughter releases the same tensions as tears.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>What you need to remember when times get hard: All misbehavior comes from basic needs that aren\u2019t met.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>PART TWO FOSTERING CONNECTION<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Chapter 2: the essential ingredient for peaceful parents, happy kids.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>And our children need to know that we take joy in them or they don\u2019t see themselves as worthy of love. In fact, your ability to enjoy your child may be the most important factor in his development.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Study after study shows that the best protection for teens from the excesses of culture and the peer group is a close relationship with parents.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>What\u2019s more, the fact that a child can easily separate from his parents isn\u2019t necessarily a good thing. We wouldn\u2019t expect a four month-old to be independent; that would be an indicator of abnormal development. And remember our fifteen-month-old who doesn\u2019t look up when Mom leaves him in the Strange Situation? Is he actually more independent? No. The young toddlers who didn\u2019t seem to notice the parent leaving the room were not the children who grew up to be independent. They were the avoidant children who had given up on having their needs met, so they disguised their anxiety, even though their hearts were racing. These kids might head off to camp without a backward glance, but that easy separation from the parent might actually be a sign of a frayed attachment that will handicap them in their ability to form relationships with others.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>What makes a child independent? Roots and wings. Independence is rooted in secure attachment-knowing that Mom and Dad are there when needed. Once children know we\u2019re available if they want us, they can focus on their appropriate developmental tasks. Which include becoming more independent in handling their responsibilities. If they don\u2019t know if they can rely on Mom and Dad, children become preoccupied with trying to win attention and approval, and it gets in the way of mastering age-appropriate developmental tasks. If this affirmation isn\u2019t forthcoming from parents, kids become preoccupied with getting it from peers, often with ugly results.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>But if you spend weekdays apart and cram weekends with sports, screen time, and sleepovers, it\u2019s easy for your worlds to become increasingly distant. Now he\u2019s so self-sufficient, so peer-oriented, and so preoccupied with his various screens that it\u2019s possible to go a whole weekend and barely see your eight-year-old. You may not be able to see it yet, but your influence is already starting to wane. As your child begins to shape his behavior outside the home to the norms of schoolmates and media images.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Kids naturally turn to the peer group for companionship and to media for clues about social \u201cnorms.\u201d The danger is when they don\u2019t feel firmly anchored to their parents as their North Star and begin to orient around their peer group or media values. If we don\u2019t cement a close connection before our children hit middle school, they turn elsewhere for bonding and guidance. Sadly, by the time we realize we\u2019re losing our child to the peer group, it\u2019s hard to get their attention.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Develop family rituals that foster connection.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Resist the impulse to say yes to one more play dates or you can get more done.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Take your cues about independence from your child.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Since becoming familiar with your work, I have started repeating back to my son what it is that he is saying or wanting. Whether I am willing to meet his desire or not, I know I am meeting a critical need to feel heard and validated.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Grocery shopping, carpooling, and bath time it matter at least as much as that big birthday party you planned for him.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>That\u2019s why all parents need to repeatedly reconnect with their children, just to repair the daily erosion created by life\u2019s normal separations and distractions.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>What\u2019s a baby self? Your child has been happily paying at childcare, but as soon as you show up, he has a meltdown. That\u2019s because he\u2019s been repressing his dependency needs so that he can function independently in a demanding environment. Your safe presence signals to him that he can relax and let down his guard. So his grown-up self (what we call his executive functioning) takes a much-needed break, and the baby self takes charge, whining, helpless, and acting out. This is not the time for guidance; he can\u2019t act his age right now. Scoop him up, give him that snuggle he needs, and get him out of there. Some little ones need to cry for a few minutes in your arms before they\u2019re ready for the car seat; preschoolers may revert to baby talk. Accept all this as proof of the age-appropriate solace your child finds in your company<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>When she became defiant I simply went over to her and gave her a big hug and told her how much I love her, then repeated the request in a soft voice.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>If you\u2019re having a hard time getting your child out of the house on time, here\u2019s the secret. Reframe your idea of the morning routine. What if your main job were to connect emotionally? That way your child won\u2019t have a genuinely full cup.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Every hour of sleep less than they need sets them back a year in access to brain function, meaning they acted year younger.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Why is bedtime so hard for many families? Because the needs of parents and children clash. To parents, bedtime is the time they finally get to separate from their children and have a little time to themselves. To children, bedtime is the time they\u2019re forced to separate from their parents and lie in the dark by themselves. On top of that, children are exhausted and wound up, and parents are exhausted and fed up. No wonder it\u2019s the single most challenging time in most families.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Do whatever you need to do to stay calm. Losing your temper at bedtime will just trigger more separation anxiety and make things harder.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Don\u2019t start talking until you have your child\u2019s attention,<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>When our child yells at us, \u201cStop talking,\u201d it\u2019s usually because:<ul><li>She\u2019s embarrassed to tell you about what happened.<\/li><\/ul><ul><li>She\u2019s worried about how you\u2019ll respond.<\/li><\/ul>\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>The emotions feel so crummy to her that she doesn\u2019t want to feel them,<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>PART THREE COACHING not controlling.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>We respond to our child\u2019s behavior with force or threats to gain compliance (\u201cDon\u2019t you speak to me that way, young lady!\u201d), leaving her to figure out for herself how to learn self-management skills.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>In Response to Child\u2019s:<\/strong><\/td><td><strong>Parents Tries to Control<\/strong><\/td><td><strong>Parent Coach<\/strong><\/td><\/tr><tr><td>Inappropriate behavior<\/td><td>Works short-term when kids are young as long as parent is present.<\/td><td>Raises kids who want to \u201cdo right.\u201d<\/td><\/tr><tr><td>Anger<\/td><td>Forces kids to repress anger, which bursts out uncontrolled at other times.<\/td><td>Helps kids learn to manage anger.<\/td><\/tr><tr><td>Emotions<\/td><td>Child fends off emotion by becoming controlling, but lags in self-regulation.<\/td><td>Child develops Self-regulation and resilience.<\/td><\/tr><tr><td>Developing values<\/td><td>Child is motivated to avoid punishment, not by concern for others.<\/td><td>Child \u201cfollows\u201d parents\u2019 teachings.<\/td><\/tr><tr><td>Developing life skills, from brushing teeth to doing homework<\/td><td>Parent nags child, essentially taking responsibility.<\/td><td>Parent provides child with support to enjoy becoming responsible for himself.<\/td><\/tr><tr><td>Developing self-motivation<\/td><td>Child resents pressure from parents.<\/td><td>Child feels empowered and motivated.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Chapter 3: raising a child who can manage himself: you motion coaching.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>It\u2019s certainly more convenient to shush or threaten an upset child than to help her process her emotions. Luckily, children who know from experience that their emotions will be heard learn to modulate them.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Most parents take their job as teachers very seriously. We teach our children colors. Brushing teeth. Right from wrong. But sometimes we neglect two more important lessons all children need to know: how to manage their feelings (and therefore their behavior), and how to understand other people\u2019s feeling.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Why are the toddler years such a challenge emotionally? Because job one for the toddler is asserting himself. Your toddler needs to feel that he has an impact on the world and some control over his experienced.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Luckily, nature has designed babies and toddlers with a fail-safe to discharge the physiological residue of their fears and frustrations: tantrums. Toddlers don\u2019t enjoy tantrums; they would rather feel connected and cherished. But when their emotions are swamping them, their brain development isn\u2019t sufficient to maintain rational control. So their physiology helps them restore equilibrium by having a meltdown to release all those feelings and the accompanying biochemicals. As with soothing an infant, parents who patiently sit with their tantrumming toddler are helping him learn to self soothe and manage his emotions.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>After age 6, the brain confers much better impulse control. Because of this improved emotional control and the focus on school, many parents don\u2019t even notice the child\u2019s inner emotional struggles.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>I worried that this approach might spoil my kids or cause more misbehavior, but it helps them to want to act better. Last weekend, my four-year-old son started crying and screaming at me. I took a deep breath and resisted the urge to make him be respectful and to tell him to get over it (my past usual reaction). I held him on my lap and let him cry. I told him I understood and that it was hard not to be allowed to do things you want to do when you want to do them and that I bet he would do that all day long when he got bigger. He cried for maybe one minute, got up, and said, \u201cOkay, I\u2019m done. Let\u2019s go to the park!\u201d In the past, these incidents would turn into major battles and end in my feeling exhausted and like a horrible parent<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>You already know. Every time you say, \u201cI know how you feel\u201d or \u201clooks like you had a hard day,\u201d you\u2019re being empathetic. Every time you rise above your own feelings to see things from a child\u2019s point of view, that\u2019s empathy. Your acceptance and understanding of what she feels helps him recognize and accept his own emotions.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Permissiveness. You can (and should) set limits. The key is to acknowledge your child\u2019s unhappiness about those limits.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Probing. \u201cTell me how you feel\u201d is not empathy. Empathy is sitting with what she\u2019s showing you about her experience, not ripping off a scab to examine the wound.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>What kind of help? He needs his rage accepted with compassion. So he can get past it to the tears and fears underneath. He needs to show you how much he hurts, to know that you hear his suffering. Yes, he\u2019ll get past these feelings, but first he needs to know he\u2019s not bad for feeling such anger, and he needs your loving attention to experience all the fear, disappointment, or sadness under the anger. So he can move past it.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Once children understand that their anger will be heard and responded to, they can express it more calmly, rather than defaulting to aggression. By contrast, kids who are given the message that anger is unacceptable or disrespectful try to repress it, which means the angry feelings go underground only to burst out unregulated by the conscious mind. Our attitude toward our child\u2019s anger can therefore either help him learn to manage it or push him toward aggression<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>We figure out a way to chauffeur the children to nine lessons a week, organize the vacation trip to Disney World, and throw a birthday party for a dozen five-year-olds. So why does a quiet story by candlelight seem impossible to manage? In truth, the story is more nourishing for our child\u2019s soul.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Luckily, children let us know when their needs aren\u2019t being met. In fact, all \u201cmisbehavior\u201d is an SOS from your child, alerting you to unmet needs or tangled feelings.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>The when we meet children\u2019s deeper needs to be seen, appreciated, and connected, they\u2019re happier and more cooperative, so they can manage their disappointment when we say no to the fleeting desires they think will make them happy. Those desires aren\u2019t actually needs; their strategies to meet needs.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>The Bye-Bye Game. Kids in every culture of the world play separation games because the threat of losing parents is such a big fear for all children. \u201cLet\u2019s play Bye-Bye. \u2026I\u2019m going out the door. If you miss me, yell the silliest word you can think of. And I\u2019ll come back\u201d Walk into the closet or bathroom, but don\u2019t give your child a chance to miss you. Before you\u2019re fully through the door, jump out again, yelling \u201cRhinoceros!\u201d or any word that will make your child laugh. Hug and kiss her, and I say, \u201cI missed you so much, I couldn\u2019t leave\u2026. Let\u2019s try that again! Exaggerate your own separation anxiety to get your child laughing, and very gradually increase the amount of time you\u2019re out of sight. Eventually, you can graduate to Hide-and-Seek.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>When your child goes through a stage of whining a lot. Remember that whining is an expression of powerlessness. Refusing to \u201chear\u201d until they use a \u201cbig kid\u201d voice further invalidates them. But you don\u2019t really want to reward whining by \u201cgiving in\u201d to what they\u2019re asking for in that whiny voice. Either. Lawrence Cohen, in Playful Parenting&#8211; my inspiration for many of these games, and the book I recommend most often to parents\u2014suggests that you express confidence that your child can use her \u201cstrong\u201d voice and offer your assistance to help her find it by making it into a game: \u201cHey, where did your strong voice go? It was here a minute ago. I LOVE your strong voice! I\u2019ll help you find it Help me look. Is it under the chair? No \u2026In the toy box? No\u2026 HEY! You found it!! That was your strong voice!! Yay! I love your strong voice! Now, tell me again what you need, in your strong voice.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Chapter 4: raising a child who wants to behave.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>The executive summary? This is a tough one for many parents, so stick with me. If you want a cooperative, ethical, self-disciplined child whom you can trust to do the right thing, even as she becomes a teenager, you should never punish. No spanking, no time-outs, no yelling, no parent-contrived consequences. Really. No punishment of any kind. The word discipline actually means \u201cto guide\u201d but virtually everything we think of as discipline is punishment. And punishment erodes your relationship with your child, which destroys the only motivation she has to behave as you\u2019d like.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>The dirty little secret about punishment is that it doesn\u2019t work to teach children better behavior. In fact, studies show that punishment creates more bad behavior. Not just that children who behave badly get punished more, but that children who get punished more will behave badly more often over time. That\u2019s because punishment teaches all the wrong lessons.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Punishment actually keeps a child from taking responsibility, because it creates an external locus of control.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Although discipline means \u201cto guide,\u201d in common usage it always seems to include an element of chastisement, or making the child \u2018to change our words, so let\u2019s move beyond \u201cdiscipline,\u201d which most of us associate with harsh teaching. Instead, let\u2019s offer our child loving guidance.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>We punish our child instead of taking responsibility for our own anger and resorting ourselves to a state of calm.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>He\u2019s busy, and he doesn\u2019t understand why your agenda is important. No four-year-old would agree that brushing his teeth this minute is more important than finding his lost action figure.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Many of our conflicts with school aged kids can be solved with more structure and more hands-on interaction. Pointing to the chart on the wall reminds your six-year-old that he has to brush his teeth and put his lunch in his backpack before it heads to school.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>A consistent daily routine of a snack and homework as soon as he gets home helps your seven-year-old learn to sit himself down to tackle an unpleasant task. Working with your eight-year-old every Saturday morning to pick up her room while you have a nice chat helps her solidify the habit.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Authoritative. The final parenting style is the one that Baumrind\u2019s research showed raises the best-adjusted kids. Her authoritative\u2014as opposed to authoritarian\u2014parents offer their children lots of love and support, like the permissive parents. But they also hold high expectations, like the authoritarian parents.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Age-appropriate expectations, of course-they aren\u2019t expecting a three-year-old to clean up her room by herself. But they may well be working with that three-year-old to help her clean up, over and over and over. So that by six she really can clean up her room herself. These parents are involved\u2014even demanding. They expect family dinners, lots of discussion straight through high school, good grades, responsible behavior. But they also offer their children complete support to learn how to achieve these expectations. Importantly, these parents aren\u2019t controlling like the authoritarian parents. They listen to the child\u2019s side of things. They make compromises, and they cede control where possible. Their kids, not surprisingly, stay close to them\u2014they often describe one of their parents as the person they would most trust to talk to about a problem. These kids usually do well in school, and they\u2019re also the ones that teachers describe as responsible and well liked, simply nice kids who are a pleasure to have around.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Limits with empathy. Asks the child whether he\u2019s surprised by the report card, what he thinks created this situation, and what he thinks he can do to learn the material and bring his grades up. Agrees on a plan with the child, one with a ton of limits and high expectations, because there\u2019s lost ground to make up. But this isn\u2019t just a boot camp. This parent is completely empathic with how hard this change will be for her son. What\u2019s more, she sees herself as partly responsible and an essential part of the remedial work. She lends him her calm hopefulness, so he can manage his anxiety as he climbs out of the hole he\u2019s dug for himself.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Time out stone actually work to create better behavior.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>How? When you realize your child is approaching that dangerous overwrought place, suggest that the two of you take a time-in. Grab your cranky, belligerent little one and find yourselves a cozy corner. Snuggle up. Make it a game and laugh if you can. But if your child continues to act out those miserable feelings that are upsetting him recognize that the most healing thing you can offer him at the moment is a chance to cry and get those feelings off his chest. Set whatever limits are necessary as compassionately as you can: \u201cI won\u2019t let you throw that cup, sweetie.\u201d When he bursts into tears. Welcome them and stay close. You\u2019ll find that your child is very different after a good cry. (See \u201cEmotion-Coaching Your Child Through a Meltdown\u201d in Chapter 3.)<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Are you wondering if that\u2019s rewarding \u201cbad behavior\u201d with attention? No more than you\u2019re rewarding hungry crankiness with food if you feed your hungry child. Kids need connection with us to get through their day, especially at difficult times. If you suddenly notice from your child\u2019s behavior that she needs some connection time to refuel emotionally.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>This works only if it\u2019s a natural consequence that the parent doesn\u2019t have anything to do with creating. Here\u2019s why. When parents use consequences for discipline, they aren\u2019t the natural result of the child\u2019s actions (\u201cI forgot my lunch today, so I was hungry\u201d). Instead, consequences for children are the threats they hear through their parents\u2019 clenched teeth: \u201cIf I have to stop this car and come back there, there will be CONSEQUENCES. In other words, consequence is just another word for punishment.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>And that\u2019s the biggest secret of setting limits. You can\u2019t really make anyone do anything. Your child complies with your requests because of the strong relationship of trust and affection between you. The other option, of course, is fear, which is an effective motivator in the moment. But because you have to keep escalating your threats, fear becomes less and less effective over time. Love, by contrast, becomes a more effective motivator over time.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Any child in his right mind will test the limits. That\u2019s his job. He\u2019s pretty new on the planet, after all, and he\u2019s figuring out the rules. The most common reason that children test the limits is that they really want to find out where those limits are. Children need the security of knowing that someone more experienced and knowledgeable is looking out for them.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Chapter 5: raising a child who achieves with joy and self-esteem.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>The irony is that out of our desire to help our children succeed \u2013 and our own anxieties about whether we, and they, are good enough \u2013 we try to mold them using techniques that backfire and destroy the joy they take in developing their own mastery. We over stimulate, over assess, overprotected over schedule, all of which will talk more about in this chapter.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>The scaffolding we provide for our child is what allows him to build his own inner structure to become successful at a given behavior. It includes the following:<ul><li>Routines and habits (\u201cWe always put things back in their place as soon as we\u2019re done with them.\u201d)<\/li><\/ul><ul><li>Expectations for behavior (\u201cIn our family, we think anything worth doing is worth doing well.\u201d)<\/li><\/ul><ul><li>Modeling (\u201cSee, if you push it here, it opens!\u201d)<\/li><\/ul>\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>A safe environment (babyproofing)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Baby proof to minimize saying no<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Don\u2019t rush to teach. Instead, let your child learn by experimenting.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Never interrupt a happily engaged baby.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting DR. LAURA MARKHAM \u20132012. FOREWORD INTRODUCTION: Secrets of Peaceful Parents PART ONE:&nbsp; REGULATING YOURSELF. Chapter 1: peaceful parents raise happy kids PART TWO FOSTERING CONNECTION Chapter 2: the essential ingredient for peaceful parents, happy kids. PART THREE COACHING not controlling. In Response to Child\u2019s: [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4278,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[238,253,252],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4277","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-booknotes","category-communication-storytelling","category-family-parenting"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4277","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4277"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4277\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4279,"href":"http:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4277\/revisions\/4279"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/4278"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4277"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4277"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4277"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}