The Secrets of Happy Families: Improve Your Mornings, Tell Your Family History, Fight Smarter, Go Out and Play, And Much More<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bruce Feiler<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That gap is invariably widest in the hour after the kids get up in the morning, and the hour before they go to bed – the twin war zones of modern family life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
David wrote in an influential 2009 white paper \u201cAgile Practices for Families\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When Linda and I adopted the agile blueprint with our daughters, weekly family meetings quickly became the single most impactful idea we introduced into our lives since the birth of our children. They became the centerpiece around which we organized our family. And they transformed our relationships with our kids – and each other – in ways we could never have imagined.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And the meetings did all this while lasting under twenty minutes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThe Best Thanksgiving We Ever Had\u201d<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Studies have shown that parental stress weakens children\u2019s brains, depletes their immune systems, and increases their risk of obesity, mental illness, diabetes, allergies, even tooth decay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And kids know it, too. In a survey of a thousand families, Ellen Galinsky, the head of the Families and Work Institute and the author of Mind in the Making<\/em>, asked children, \u201cIf you were granted one wish about your parents, what would it be?\u201d Most parents predicted their kids would say spending more time with them. They were wrong. The kids\u2019 number one wish was that their parents were less tired and less stressed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Welcome to Our Family Meeting<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou\u2019re focusing on the wrong thing, \u201c he said. \u201cThe purpose of the meeting is not to talk about each of you as individuals. It\u2019s to focus on how you\u2019re functioning as a family.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n One takeaway I got from agile is that whenever I see friends with checklists – chores, schedules, allowance – I ask whether the adults or the kids are doing the checking off. Invariably itg\u2019s the adults. The science suggests there\u2019s a better way. To achieve maximum benefits, have the children do the scoring. They\u2019ll develop a much finer sense of self-awareness. Even if this approach doesn\u2019t work on every occasion, it\u2019s about teaching your kids an approach to problem solving they can carry with them the rest of their lives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Eleanor agreed. \u201cIn the media, families just are,\u201d she said. \u201cBut that\u2019s misleading. You have your job; you work on that. You have your garden, your hobbies, you work on those. Your family requires just as much work, if not more. The most important thing agile taught me is that you have to make a commitment to always keep working to improve your family. That\u2019s what no one believes until they start doing it themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Who Needs Dinner?<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n A recent wave of research shows that children who eat dinner with their families are less likely to drink, smoke, do drugs, get pregnant, commit suicide, and develop eating disorders. Additional research found that children who enjoy family meals have larger vocabularies, better manners, healthier diets, and higher self-esteem. The most comprehensive survey done on this topic, a University of Michigan report that examined how American children spent their time between 1981 and 1997, discovered that the amount of time children spent eating meals at home was the single biggest predictor of better academic achievement and fewer behavioral problems. Mealtime was more influential than time spent in school, studying, attending religious services, or playing sports.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s Not About the Dinner; It\u2019s About the Family<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/u><\/strong>Not long after, Marshall\u2019s wife, Sara, a psychologist who works with children who have learning disabilities, made an observation about her students. \u201cThe ones who know a lot about their families tend to do better when they face challenges.\u201d Her husband was intrigued and, along with colleague Robyn Fivush, he set out to test Sara\u2019s hypothesis. They developed a measure called the \u201cDo You Know?\u201d scale that asked children to answer twenty questions, including:<\/p>\n\n\n\n They then compared the children\u2019s results to a battery of psychological tests and reached some overwhelming conclusions. The more children knew about their family\u2019s history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem, and the more successfully they believed their families functioned. The \u201cDo You Know?\u201d scaled turned out to be the best single predictor of children\u2019s emotional health and happiness. \u201cWe were blown away,\u201d Marshall said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And then something unexpected happened. Two months later was September eleven. As Citizens Marshall and Robyn were horrified, like everyone else, but as psychologists they knew they had been given a rare opportunity: all of the families they had studied had experienced the same trauma at the same time. They went back and reassess the children. \u201cOnce again,\u201d Marshall said, \u201c the ones who knew more about their families proved to be more resilient, meaning they could moderate the effects of stress.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Why does knowing where your grandmother went to school help a child overcome something as minor as a skinned knee or as major as a terrorist attack? And how can family meals and other rituals play a role in children gaining this knowledge?<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThe answers have to do with a child\u2019s sense of being part of a larger family,\u201d Marshall said. Psychologists have found that every family has a unifying narrative, he explained, and those narratives take one of three shapes. First, there’s the ascending family narrative that goes like this: \u201cSon, when we came to this country, we had nothing. Our family worked. We opened a store. Your grandfather went to high school. Your father went to college. And now you\u2026\u201d Second is the descending narrative: \u201cSweetheart, we used to have it all. Then we lost everything\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThe most healthful narrative,\u201d Marshall continued, \u201cis the third one. It’s called the oscillating family narrative. \u2018Dear, let me tell you, we’ve had ups and downs in our family. We built a family business. your grandfather was a pillar of the community. Your mother was on the board of the hospital. But we also had setbacks. You had an uncle who was once arrested. We had a house burned down. Your father lost a job. But no matter what happened, we always stuck together as a family.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Marshall says that children who have the most balanced and self-confidence in their lives do so because of what he and Robyn call a strong \u201cintergenerational self.\u201d They know they belong to something bigger than themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cone of the central people in this equation is the grandmother,\u201d he said. \u201cShe\u2019ll say, You\u2019re having trouble with math, kid? Let me tell you, your father had trouble with math.\u2019 \u2018You Don’t want to practice piano? Boy, your Aunt Laura didn’t want to practice piano, either.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWe call these the bubbemeise<\/em>,\u201d he continued. \u201cThat\u2019s Yiddish for \u2018grandmother\u2019s fable.\u2019 Whatever problem the child is having, the grandmother has a story for it – even if it’s made up!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Marshall and Robyn Point out that dinner is an ideal time to give kids this family history. Everyone’s together; it’s a safe environment; it’s easier for the children to hear about their families ups and downs while they’re in a nurturing environment doing something reassuring. And nothing is more reassuring than eating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But dinner does not cause the benefits, he stressed. What generates the sense of attachment and emotional toughness is the process of hearing all those old stories and seeing yourself in the larger flow of your family. In other words, what we think of as family dinner is not really about the dinner. It’s about the family.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Hunger Games<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n By this point, I had already had two surprising takeaways about family dinner. First, eating together every night is not as important as so many people say it is. Second, what you talk about matters even more than what you eat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n …a good family ritual should be fun, hokey, and memorable<\/p>\n\n\n\n Monday: Word of the Day<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n The first thing I did was devise a simple formula: 10-50-1.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 10. Aim for ten minutes of quality talk per meal.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n 50. Let your kids speak at least half the time.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n 1. Teach your kids one new word every meal.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n The good news, Galinsky says, is that you can help. No matter your income level, start by speaking more like yourself to your kids. If anything, you should go out of your way to use words that are unfamiliar to them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Tuesday: Autobiography Night<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Beginning around age five, children develop the tools to describe past events, but these skills must be practiced. The family table is the perfect theater. Ask your child to recall a memorable experience, either from that day or the past. Then follow up with what psychologists call \u201celaborative questions.\u201d Who? What? When? Where? Why? <\/em>These open-ended questions build memory and identity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As Marshall Duke discovered about children who know their history, the more kids remember about their own families, the more self-esteem and confidence they exhibit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This game would work particularly well the night before a big test or game, as scientists have found recalling high points from their own lives boosts children\u2019s self-confidence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Friday: Bad & Good<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Every Friday night in my family, we play a dinnertime game I played growing up. It\u2019s called \u201cBad & Good,\u201d and the rules are simple. Everyone goes around and says what happened bad to them that day, then everyone goes around and says what happened good. The only mandates: you must have at least one bad and one good every day, and you\u2019re not allowed to knock anyone else\u2019s answer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I was pleased to discover a growing body of research that reinforces the benefits of this type of exercise, which scholars call \u201ctell about the day\u201d activities. By watching others, including Mom and Dad, navigate ups and downs in real time, children develop empathy and solidarity with those around them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When I met Fogle for coffee, she pointed out that when children push back against a parental tactic, you should let them win, just to increase their sense of control over their lives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOtherwise, I respectfully disagree with Ms. Fogle,\u201d he continued. \u201cTo me, the most important thing we can give our children, at dinnertime or anytime, is a sense of perspective. Children take their cues from us. When they\u2019re young and they hear a loud noise, they don\u2019t look where the noise came from, they look at us. If you\u2019re not upset, they\u2019re not upset.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When a child tells you something bad happened at school, sometimes the best thing to say is \u201cPass the ketchup.\u201d It\u2019s your way of saying, there\u2019s no reason to panic. You can handle this, just like I handled things like this. Then, once you\u2019ve taken the panic out of the air, once you\u2019ve put the ketchup on your french fries, then you can begin the conversation.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The Power of a Family Mission Statement<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Each scientist in attendance had already published a list of the qualities successful families share. For the first time, though, organizers closely reviewed two dozen of these lists to see if they could establish consensus. According to them, it was remarkably easy. The master list contained nine items:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Covey, the father of nine and grandfather of fifty-two, was even more passionate about his family. In 1997, he repackaged his original ideas into a book called The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families<\/em>. The habits were the same, but the messaging was slightly different.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI believe words matter, even a few words\u201d<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n The second value was Family: We love, respect, and are loyal to one another, and build family Traditions<\/em>. \u201cWe know that one day our boys will grow up and may get pulled in different directions,\u201d David said. \u201cSo we set up very specific traditions we do every year – a big ski trip, a place we go every summer, a specific set of things we do every Christmas. We want to create grooves in their minds that attach them to our family.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What words best describe our family?<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n After reading that the KIPP charter schools, a network of college-preparatory public schools, started a pioneering program of \u201ccharacter reporter cards,\u201d I took all eight items on the list of qualities they evaluated for. And I took the entire list of 24 Character Strengths identified by Martin Seligman, the father of positive psychology. I ended up with eighty items, which I typed up in no particular order.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Suddenly the air sucked out of the room. When the girls were six weeks old, we held a small gathering to introduce them to our friends. I gave a brief toast, which ended with the wish, \u201cMay your first word be adventure<\/em> and your last word love<\/em>.\u201d We spent years trying to make the first part come true. Every trip to the supermarket, drugstore, or playground became, \u201cLet\u2019s go on an adventure!\u201d Sure enough, adventure<\/em> was one of the first words they mastered, their little lips curling charmingly around its syllables.<\/p>\n\n\n\n May Our First Word Be<\/p>\n\n\n\n ADVENTURE<\/p>\n\n\n\n And Our Last Word ———-<\/p>\n\n\n\n We live lives of passion<\/p>\n\n\n\n We dream undreamable dreams<\/p>\n\n\n\n We help others to fly<\/p>\n\n\n\n We love to learn<\/p>\n\n\n\n We don\u2019t like dilemmas; we like solutions<\/p>\n\n\n\n We push through. We believe!<\/p>\n\n\n\n We know it\u2019s okay to make mistakes<\/p>\n\n\n\n We bring people together<\/p>\n\n\n\n We are joy, rapture, yay!<\/p>\n\n\n\n A similar philosophy has recently been gaining currency in parenting circles. Alan Kazdin, a psychologist who heads the Yale University Parenting Center, has pioneered what he calls \u201cparent management.\u201d His core idea is that parents should spend more time identifying and rewarding good behavior instead of endlessly punishing bad behavior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This sounds simple, but it\u2019s not. Kazdin says parents need to specify the positive conduct they want to see more of. \u201cYou guys are doing so well playing together today!\u201d \u201cGreat job, sticking with that math homework.\u201d Even more important, parents need to create a home environment where children know exactly what\u2019s expected of them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Love is in the Eyes<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/u><\/strong>James Pennebaker, a psychologist at the University of Texas and the author of The Secret Life of Pronouns, <\/em>says if a couple uses first-person pronouns – I <\/em>or we<\/em> – it\u2019s a sign of a healthy relationship. We<\/em> is a particularly good pronoun because the \u201cwe-ness\u201d is a mark of high togetherness. The second-person singular – you always say that or you never do this – <\/em>is a mark of unhappiness and poor problem-solving. The takeaway: One of the ways to stop fighting is to stop saying you.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Pizza vs. Pretzels<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Either way, the biggest hurdle we face is not the other person and their emotions, Ury said, it\u2019s ourselves and our emotions. He offered a simple way to prevent our emotions from getting in our way. It\u2019s called \u201cGo to the balcony.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhen things are starting to go wrong in an encounter, imagine the negotiation taking place on a stage,\u201d Ury said. \u201cThen allow your mind to go to the balcony overlooking that stage. From there you can see the macro view. From there you can start to calm down. From there you can exert some self-control.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n When enough friends started asking to use his system with their kids, Bill quit his job and launched FamZoo, a Web site that helps parents teach kids how to manage money.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The Bank of Mom and Dad<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Although parents are talking directly to their kids about money, they are passing on their attitudes on the topic. Research shows that if kids see their parents feeling insecure about money, they internalize those fears. If kids see their parents being materialistic, they develop those same cravings. And if kids see their parents discussing financial matters responsibly and planning for the future, they follow those behaviors, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As Pink noted, \u201cThat\u2019s why schoolchildren who are paid to solve problems typically choose easier problems and therefore learn less. The short-term prize crowds out the long-term learning.\u201d At the time I read this, Linda and I were shamefully resorting to bribing our daughters to eat more vegetables. For years, we\u2019d been trying to get them to at least try more vegetables, and finally we broke down and offered them a few extra dollars if they added three new vegetables a month. Kahneman\u2019s research persuaded us to change tacks. Instead of promising the payoff at the end, we gave it to them up front. \u201cHere is five dollars. If you add three vegetables this month, you get to keep it. If you don\u2019t, you have to give it back.\u201d It worked! People I know have tried the same tactic with raking the leaves or curfew.<\/p>\n\n\n\n How much is that prom dress in the window?<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cTo me it is. In my mind, financial literacy is not, \u2018Do you know how a stock works\u2019? It\u2019s about understanding the concept of constraints. I\u2019ve done a lot of work advising startups over the years, and one reason they\u2019re so innovative is they\u2019re constrained.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Taking off the training wheels<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n 1. Show them the money<\/em>. Trott said most parents have an instinctive reluctance to be honest with their<\/p>\n\n\n\n kids about money. \u201cI tell my clients that forcing their kids to have financial literacy is one of the most important things they can do,\u201d he said. He quoted statistics that say the more parents talk to their kids about debt, the less debt they rack up; the more they hear about savings, the more they sock away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 4. Put them to work<\/em>. There\u2019s a lot of vagueness in academic circles about children and money, but the research is clear that part time jobs are great for kids. The Youth Development Survey in St. Paul, Minnesota, followed a number of children from ninth grade through their midthirties to determine whether childhood should be the sanctuary of play and learning or if work can be a productive part of it. The study found that those who work don\u2019t lose interest in school and don\u2019t cut back on family, extracurricular activities, or volunteering. They even become better at time management.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So if you really want your daughters to understand money, have them open a lemonade stand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Yours, Mine, and Ours<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Talk About the Marshmallows<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n When siblings between the ages of three and seven are together, they clash an average of three and a half times per hour, studies show, with those fights lasting a total of ten minutes out of every sixty.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Turns out they may have been right. Kramer says children under eight are \u201cgenerally unable\u201d to manage conflicts with their siblings on their own. \u201cThe research that I and others have done,\u201d she said, \u201chas clearly shown that for children who don\u2019t already have those skills in conflict management, it is<\/em> critical for parents to step in and help.\u201d She recommends helping children by giving them a tool kit for resolving difficult situations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So what should be in that tool kit? Heen and Richardson had some advice. The first thing they shared with me is a kid friendly version of the technique they\u2019ve honed with adults. It has three steps.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIf you teach a child to think about the person they\u2019re in conflict with, it will serve them in good stead throughout their life.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cBut to them, they really do matter,\u201d he continued. \u201cOn the surface it\u2019s about marshmallows, but it\u2019s really about \u2018Am I being treated fairly in the world?\u2019 And they carry these issues with them their whole lives until one day they\u2019re no longer fighting about marshmallows, they\u2019re fighting about taking care of you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Who\u2019s Afraid of the Birds and the Bees?<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n In Europe, where research shows sex is more openly discussed within families, teenagers engage in intercourse an average of two years later, and the rate of teen pregnancy is eight times lower.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Lesson #1: It\u2019s never too early to start.<\/em> I have a confession. When I gave my daughters a bath or sat with them while they were being potty trained, I never named their genitals. I was too embarrassed, or afraid. \u201cWash your privates,\u201d I would say, or \u201cClean where the pee-pee comes from.\u201d Apparently I\u2019m not alone. Research shows that half of all two-and-a-half-year-old girls know the correct name for boys\u2019 genitals, but not for their own. In our own culture, boys have penises; girls have \u201cdown there.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n McFadden was outraged by this. \u201cHow can we give our daughters confidence in their bodies if they can\u2019t even name the parts of their body?\u201d she said. \u201cWhen my daughter had a diaper rash, I would say, \u2018Is your labia sore?\u2019 or \u2018Do you want some cream on your vulva?\u2019 I didn\u2019t say, \u2018Does your hee-ha hurt?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWe are so afraid of saying the wrong thing,\u201d she continued, \u201cor that they\u2019ll ask us about our sexuality, [that] we don\u2019t tell them anything. To me this is about language: Nose. Lamp. Chair. Nipple. We don\u2019t change the names of people\u2019s ears, their scalp, their fingernails. Why change their genitalia?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The American Academy of Pediatrics agrees. In a 2009 report, the group recommended speaking to children as young as eighteen months about sexuality. At that age, \u201cIt is important to teach your child the proper names for body parts. Making up names for body parts may give the idea that there is something bad about the proper name.\u201d When you kid eventually starts asking questions, the report recommended a careful response:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Lesson #2: It\u2019s easier to talk with a nine-year-old than a thirteen year old. <\/em>The stories about menstruation in Your Daughter\u2019s Bedroom <\/em>are heartbreaking. Girls feeling horror, shame, guilt, disgust. Some women said their mothers insulted them when they first got their periods; others were sad their fathers withdrew and never hugged them again. McFadden\u2019s book contains memorable thoughts from such women.<\/p>\n\n\n\n McFadden said these responses told her that it\u2019s important to start talking about menstruation when girls are in their latency period, around seven or eight. \u201cWe do it backward,\u201d she said. \u201cWe wait until they\u2019re teenagers, when they withdraw from us, then we try to talk to them. If you start when they\u2019re younger, they\u2019re still sponges and happy to learn.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI was incredibly excited,\u201d Brady said. \u201cMy mother had promised that I could get my ears pierced. She took me out to dinner with my great-aunt to this fancy restaurant. I got a cappuccino. I put about ten pounds of sugar in it, and it still tasted disgusting. The Formula for Marital Happiness<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n But this standard advice just didn\u2019t work for many people, and so it came under attack in recent years. A group of psychologists led by David Shnarch, the author of Passionate Marriage<\/em>, and Stephen Mitchell, the author of Can Love Last?<\/em>, devised a new approach. Their radical idea was that intimacy is the last thing couples need. All that living together, sharing a bathroom, and learning about each other\u2019s lives all day gives couples a surfeit of togetherness. What couples need is more separation. Too much familiarity quashes desire, the authors said, while sex thrives on mystery and adventure. If you want more sex in your marriage, you don\u2019t need more cuddling, you need more creativity and escapism.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Love and Marriage<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Dr. Chapman calls these different styles of expressing and receiving affection \u201cthe five love languages.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Take the Fight Out of the Night<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/em>In one way, Dr. Chapman\u2019s success is not a surprise. Religion has long been inextricably tied to family life in America. One truth that appears repeatedly in scientific studies is the persistent correlation between religiosity and happy families. Research on this is all but unanimous over the last fifty years. The more committed families are to a religious or spiritual tradition, the happier they are. Recent surveys have confirmed the correlation. A study from the University of Virginia in 2011 showed that mothers who attend religious services weekly are happier than those who do not. A study in 2008 showed that men who regularly attend religious services have happier marriages and are more likely to be involved with their children.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cGuys, I\u2019m going to give you a sentence and encourage you to write it in your notebook,\u201d he said. \u201cI guarantee it will change your life forever: Honey, what you\u2019re saying makes a whole lot of sense.<\/em> You say that, you are no longer her enemy. You are her friend who understands her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Chasing Butterflies<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n 1. Put yourself first<\/em>. The cliche position is that good marriages are all about \u201cwe\u201d, but new research shows that successful relationships have a lot of \u201cme\u201d in them. Psychologists Arthur Aron and Gary Lewandowski studied how individuals use their relationships to better themselves. They learn new things from their partners, meet new people, try new experiences.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When couples are first falling in love, for example, each person uses a wider variety of words to describe themselves. The new relationship literally broadens their self-conception. Over time, each partner slowly adopts the traits of the other, growing individually as they grow together. As Dr. Lewandowski concluded, \u201cPeople have a fundamental motivation to improve the self. If your partner is helping you become a better person, you become happier and more satisfied in the relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n 2. Rethink date night.<\/em> A common piece of advice for couples is to schedule regular one-on-one time. \u201cDate night\u201d is the default answer to most problems in modern marriages. And research backs this up. A study from the National Marriage Project in 2012 showed that couples who have weekly time to themselves are 3.5 times more likely to be happy, including sexually happy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But not just any date will do. A growing body of research says that simply going to dinner and a movie has little impact on a relationship. If you want to improve your relationship, try something novel with your partner. Helen Fisher, of Rutgers, has observed that couples who participate in unusual or different activities, from taking an art class to driving to a new part of town to cooking a new recipe, flood their systems with the same chemicals as do couples just falling in love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 3. Double-date<\/em>. One surprising way to score some of those novelty points is to go on a date with another couple. Richard Slacher of Wayne State University did a fascinating study called \u201cWhen Harry and Sally Met Dick and Jane.\u201d He divided sixty couples into two groups and had each couple spend time with another couple. One group was given highly revealing questions; the other, small talk. The results were dramatic. Couples who disclosed more about themselves felt closer to the other couples – and to each other. Slatcher said the experience of being intimate with another couple was sufficiently novel to trigger the same chemical reaction as the exotic date night.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The Grandmother Effect<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n A meta-analysis of sixty-six studies completed in 1992 found that mothers who have more support from grandmothers have less stress and more well-adjusted children. The more involved the grandmothers are, the more involved dads are, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Why Grandparents are Happier<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n The study found a number of factors that contribute to this increased happiness. First, older people phase out people they\u2019re friendly with but not particularly close to (like the parents of their kids\u2019 friends) and concentrate on the people they actually care about, like family.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The second major reason older people are happier, she found, is that while younger adults experience more anxiety and disappointment over their career goals, finding a soul mate, and making money, older people have typically made peace with their accomplishments and failures. This lets them take more enjoyment out of life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I had invited a snooper – Snoopology<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWe often assume people are trying to fool us and be something they\u2019re not,\u201d Gosling said. \u201cThe truth is, people want to be known. That\u2019s why places are so informative. I can learn more about you and your family by looking at your home than I can by talking to you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A Happier Home<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Larry Wente<\/p>\n\n\n\n Privacy<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/u><\/strong>Alexander helped define the idea that successful homes all have three types of spaces:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Light<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n The lower the light, the more loving the conversation is likely to be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A Big, Fat Mess<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n But the real culprit appears to have nothing to do with gender: it\u2019s self-aggrandizement. Daniel Kahneman found that both members of a couple overemphasize their role in cleaning the house. In Thinking, Fast and Slow<\/em> Kahneman cites a study in which spouses were asked to estimate how much time they spend keeping the place tidy, taking out the trash, or doing other chores. In every case, both men and women said their contribution was higher than it actually was. This information was so powerful, Kahneman said, that when couples learned about it, it often defused marital spats. Remember, he said, even though you may think you\u2019re doing more than your fair share, your partner is thinking the exact same thing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sit Unto Others as They Sit Unto You<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIf you want to talk to your daughters about curfew,\u201d Augustin said, \u201cI would want to have that conversation on cushioned chairs, because no one will be as doctrinaire, you\u2019ll be more open to the opinions of others, and you\u2019ll have a more conciliatory conversation, or at least less contentious.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Awesome Stuff<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n I was reminded of Randy Pausch\u2019s memorable line from his \u201clast lecture.\u201d After showing photos of his childhood bedroom, which was covered in mathematical notations, he said, \u201cIf your kids want to paint their bedrooms, as a favor to me, let \u2018em do it.\u201d The next time a snoopologist comes to visit our home, he\u2019ll find that our daughters\u2019 bedroom is the color of mint chocolate chip ice cream. And he\u2019ll know exactly who chose it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Introducing the Family Vacation Checklist<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Armed with this advice I made a master list of our family\u2019s common travel mistakes. There were the things we often forget: sunscreen, cell phone chargers, stuffed animals. There were the things we forget to do: turn off the air-conditioning, shut the curtains, empty the trash. There were the things we assumed others were doing: pack snacks, print out directions, cancel the newspaper. Linda added her own favorites: set the DVR, make sure the kids go to the bathroom. The kids threw in a few of their own: bring enough books, charge the iPad!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Beyond Twenty Questions<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Good games, they said, have four things in common:<\/p>\n\n\n\n 1. A clear goal<\/em>. Players know what they\u2019re trying to achieve.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 2. Rules<\/em>. Limitations that force creativity and strategic thinking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 3. Feedback.<\/em> Points, levels, scores, or something that lets players know how close they are to the goal<\/p>\n\n\n\n and gives them the motivation to keep playing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 4. Voluntary participation<\/em>. Only if players choose to play will the game be fun.<\/p>\n\n\n\n These benefits are even greater with games like FarmVille and CityVille, which oblige players to cooperate. In 2009, researchers from eight universities in the United States and Asia studied the effects of games that require \u201chelpful behavior.\u201d In three different studies, they looked at children under thirteen, teenagers, and college students. All three studies concluded that the more time young people spend helping others in games, the more time they spent helping friends and family members in real life. The project\u2019s coauthors called this the \u201cupward spiral\u201d of gaming. Families that play together stay together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Over the Mountains and Through the Woods They recommended a homemade version of Twenty Questions. \u201cIKids have all this memory of things they\u2019ve done with you,\u201d one designer said. \u201cThrow out a statement, \u2018I\u2019m thinking of a time when we went to a place\u2026 all you can ask is yes or no questions. Go!\u2019\u201d Suddenly the kids become actors in their own game. \u201c\u2018What\u2019s mom thinking about?\u2019 \u2018Where did we go?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Another advantage of this game is that the kids are on the same side. \u201cWith the young kids especially, if one kid keeps score against another, it ends up being a disaster,\u201d one designer added. \u201cSo it\u2019s a joint scoring system. They work together for a while, then they compete. By mixing it up, they get along better.\u201d The winner chooses the next place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Not Leaving on a Jet Plane Many of the Zynga designers play a similar game with their kids, but they were much better at it. First, they mix up items more creatively: I need two luggage tags from United Airlines, then three stirrers from Starbucks, and I need you to find out what time the next flight for Amsterdam leaves. Next they generously sprinkle in rewards: If you introduce yourself to five people and bring me three business cards, I\u2019ll take you to get frozen yogurt. Finally they escalate: How many baby steps does it take to get to Gate 16? Now how many dinosaur steps? If you can cut that number in half, I\u2019ll give you three bonus points.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cFor many children, leveling up is their main goal when playing a game, one designer said. \u201cIt taps into a basic human need to achieve. The guys in karate figured this out ages ago. The only reason there\u2019s a black belt is it\u2019s mysteriously better than a white belt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Viewed from a different angle, these fields showed the most destructive tendencies of modern parents – the relentless pressure they put on children to work too hard, succeed too mightily, and specialize too quickly. These two fields combine to make kids\u2019 athletics one of the most fraught arenas for modern families.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Follow the Money<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n A 2005 study by the U.S. government found that athletes are more likely than nonathletes to attend college and graduate. A survey of senior executives in Fortune 500 companies found that 95 percent had played high school sports, compared with half who were in student government and less than that in the National Honor Society.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Showdown on Field #6B<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n I was amazed by the difference. Though it was mostly moms, there seemed to be more testosterone here than at my local gym. \u201cGo for the goal!\u201d \u201cAttack.\u201d \u201cGet in there, fight!\u201d And the Fury was winning this game! What stood out most was that the parents were all talking about individual achievement: Does my child need better equipment? Should I get her more lessons? Is she shooting enough? The coach, meanwhile, who did not have a child on the Fury but was a former college standout hired to coach the squad, was more focused on the team.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The most important thing for children under twelve is to enjoy the game. Nothing more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You\u2019re The Kind Of Person Who\u2026\n
<\/a>Chapter 2: The Right Way to Have Family Dinner<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
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<\/a>Chapter 3: Branding Your Family<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
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LOVE<\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/a>Part 2: Talk. A lot.
Chapter 4: Fight Smart<\/h1>\n\n\n\n<\/a>Chapter 5: The Buck Starts Here<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
Question #2: Should the money be a handout or tied to chores around the house?<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Daniel Kahneman, in Thinking Fast and Slow, <\/em>shattered conventional wisdom on this topic. He found that people are more driven to avoid losses than to achieve gains. In other words, the fear of not<\/em> reaching a goal is stronger than the desire to achieve it. Golfers, for example, are much more successful at putting for par than for a birdie, no matter the distance, because they fear losing a stroke more than they desire picking up one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
<\/a>Chapter 6: Talk About the Marshmallows<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
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<\/a>Chapter 7: Lessons from the Sex Mom<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
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Kate Eggleston calls this a \u201cperiod party,\u201d and she\u2019s had one for each of her daughters.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/a>Chapter 8: What\u2019s Love Got To Do With It<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
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<\/a>Chapter 9: The Care and Feeding of Grandparents<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
<\/a>Chapter 10: The Right Stuff<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
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<\/a>Part 3: Go Out And Play
Chapter 11: The Family Vacation Checklist<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
<\/u>I\u2019m Thinking of a Time When<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/u>Mission Impossible<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/a>Chapter 12: Shut Up And Cheer!<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
<\/u>Before the Game<\/em><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n