Triggers: Creating Behavior That Lasts\u2014Becoming the Person You Want to Be<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Marshall Goldsmith<\/p>\n\n\n\n
These triggers appear suddenly and unexpectedly. They can be major moments, like Phil\u2019s concussion, or as minor as a paper cut. They can be pleasant, like a teacher\u2019s praise that elevates our discipline and ambition – and turns our life around 180 degrees. Or they can be counterproductive, like an ice-cream cone that tempts us off our diet or peer pressure that confuses us into doing something we know is wrong. They can stir our competitive instincts, from the common workplace carrot of a bigger paycheck to the annoying sight of a rival outdistancing us. They can drain us, like the news that a loved one is seriously ill or that our company is up for sale. They can be as elemental as the sound of rain triggering a sweet memory.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Truth #1`: Meaningful behavioral change is very hard to do.<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n We can\u2019t admit that we need to change<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n We do not appreciate inertia\u2019s power over us.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n We don\u2019t know how to execute a change. <\/em>TThere\u2019s a difference between motivation and understanding and ability.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And so on. In the end, after a barrage of lawsuits, a judge struck down the law for being \u201carbitrary and capricious.\u201d My point: even when the individual and societal benefits of changing a specific behavior are indisputable, we are geniuses at inventing reasons to avoid change. It is much easier, and more fun, to attack the strategy of the person who\u2019s trying to help than to try to solve the problem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Our inner beliefs trigger failure before it happens. They sabotage lasting change by canceling its possibility. We employ these beliefs as articles of faith to justify our inaction and then wish away the result. I call them belief triggers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 1. If I understand, I will do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You know that there\u2019s a difference between understanding <\/em>and doing<\/em>. Just because people understand what to do doesn\u2019t ensure that they will actually do it. This belief triggers confusion.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n 3. Today is a special day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When we want to make an excuse for errant behavior, any day can be designated as a \u201cspecial day.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n 4. \u201cAt least I\u2019m better than\u2026\u201d 5. I shouldn\u2019t need help and structure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 8. I won\u2019t get distracted and nothing unexpected will occur.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 9. An epiphany will suddenly change my life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 10. My change will be permanent and I will never have to worry again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 13. No one is paying attention to me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We believe that we can occasionally lapse back into bad behavior because people aren\u2019t paying close attention. We are practically invisible, triggering a dangerous preference for isolation. <\/em>Even worse, it\u2019s only half true. While our slow and steady improvement may not be as obvious to others as it is to us, when we revert to our previous behavior, people always <\/em>notice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There is an even larger reason that explains why we don\u2019t make the changes we want to make – greater than the high quality of our excuses or our devotion to our belief triggers. It\u2019s called the environment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If there is one \u201cdisease\u201d that I\u2019m trying to cure in this book, it revolves around our total misapprehension of our environment. We think we are in sync with our environment, but actually it\u2019s at war with us. We think we control our environment but in fact it controls us. We think our external environment is conspiring in our favor – that is, helping us – when actually it is taxing and draining us. It is not interested in what it can give us. It\u2019s only interested in what it can take from us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The situational aspect of our environment is what I\u2019ve been working on with my one-on-one coaching clients. It\u2019s not that these very smart executives don\u2019t know that circumstances change from moment to moment as they go through their day. They know. But at the level these people operate in – where nine out of ten times they are the most powerful person in the room – they can easily start believing they\u2019re immune to the environment\u2019s ill will. In a frenzy of delusion, they actually believe they control their environment, not the other way around.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But for now let\u2019s absorb and wallow in Nadeem\u2019s hard-won appreciation that our environment is a relentless triggering machine. If we do not create and control our environment, our environment creates and controls us. And the result turns us into someone we do not recognize.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is how feedback ultimately triggers desirable behavior. Once we deconstruct feedback into its four stages of evidence, relevance, consequence, and action, the world never looks the same again. Suddenly we understand that our good behavior is not random. It\u2019s logical. It follows a pattern. It makes sense. It\u2019s within our control. It\u2019s something we can repeat. It\u2019s why some obese people finally – and instantly – take charge of their eating habits when they\u2019re told that they have diabetes and will die or go blind or lose a limb if they don\u2019t make a serious lifestyle change. Death, blindness, and amputation are consequences we understand and can\u2019t brush aside.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A behavioral trigger is any stimulus that impacts our behavior.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n 6. A trigger can be productive or counterproductive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is the most important distinction. Productive triggers push us toward becoming the person we want to be. Counterproductive triggers pull us away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Triggers are not inherently \u201cgood\u201d or \u201cbad.\u201d What matters is our response to them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To fully appreciate the reason for this, it\u2019s helpful to take a closer look at these last two dimensions of triggers – encouraging or discouraging, productive or counterproductive. They express the timeless tension between what we want <\/em>and what we need<\/em>. We want short-term gratification while we need long-term benefit. And we never get a break from choosing one or the other. It\u2019s the defining conflict of adult behavioral change. And we write the definitions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n We Don\u2019t Need or Want It<\/u><\/strong>: I find the grid useful as an analytical tool with my clients. It enables them to take inventory of the triggers in their lives, which, if nothing else, increases their awareness about their environment. More important, it reveals whether they\u2019re operating in a productive quadrant. The right side of the matrix is where successful people want to be, moving forward on their behavioral goals.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When I was getting my doctorate at UCLA, the classic sequencing template for analyzing problem behavior in children was known as ABC, for antecedent, behavior, and consequence. The antecedent is the event that prompts the behavior. The behavior creates a consequence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n The therapist instructs Mandy to carry an index card and make a check mark on the card each time she feels the finger tension. A week later she returns to the therapist with twenty-eight check marks on the card, but she is now enlightened about the cues that send her fingers to her mouth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n I\u2019ve isolated three eye-blink moments – first the impulse, then the awareness, then a choice – that comprise the crucial intervals between the trigger and our eventual behavior. These intervals are so brief we sometimes fail to segregate them from what we regard as our \u201cbehavior.\u201d But experience and common sense tell us they\u2019re real.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We already do this in the big moments. When we go into our first meeting with the company\u2019s CEO, we are mindful that every word, every gesture, every question is a trigger. When we\u2019re asked for our opinion, we don\u2019t say the first thing that comes to mind. We know we\u2019ve entered a field of land mines where any misstep may have unappealing consequences. We measure our words like a diplomat facing an adversary. Perhaps we\u2019ve even prepared our answers ahead of time. Either way, we don\u2019t yield to impulse. We reflect, choose, then respond.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Paradoxically, the big moments – packed with triggers, stress, raw emotions, high stakes, and thus high potential for disaster – are easy to handle. When successful people know it\u2019s showtime, they prepare to put on a show.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s the little moments that trigger some of our most outsized and unproductive responses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Hersey and Blanchard believed that leaders should<\/p>\n\n\n\n This was \u201csituational leadership.\u201d It dissected the relationship between leaders and their followers into four distinct styles:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Measure Your Need, Choose Your Style<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n It slowly dawned on me that the precepts of situational leadership might be useful in the context of self-managed adult behavioral change. What if the planner in each of us, like an effective leader with his or her subordinates, could size up the situation at any point during the day and adopt the appropriate management style for the doer in us? It\u2019s a simple two-step: measure the need, choose the style.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is where the analogy between situational leadership in the workplace and in ourselves applies. In order to change his unproductive behavior as a leader of others Rennie first had to change the behavior between the leader and the follower in him. He couldn\u2019t automatically rely on a seamless compliance between these two personas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 1. Anticipation<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Successful people are not completely oblivious to their environment. In the major moments of our lives, when the outcome really matters and failure is not an option, we are masters of anticipation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When our performance has clear and immediate consequences, we rise to the occasion. We create our environment. We don\u2019t let it re-create us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The problem is that the majority of our day consists of minor moments, when we\u2019re not thinking about the environment or our behavior because we don\u2019t associate the situation with any consequences.d<\/p>\n\n\n\n 2. Avoidance<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Peter Drucker famously said, \u201cHalf the leaders I have met don\u2019t need to learn what to do. They need to learn what to stop.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s no different with our environment. Quite often our smartest response to an environment is avoiding it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This impulse to always engage<\/em> rather than selectively avoid <\/em>is one reason I\u2019m called in to coach executives on their behavior. It\u2019s one of the most common behavioral issues among leaders: succumbing to the temptation to exercise power when they would be better off showing restraint.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s a simple equation: To avoid undesirable behavior, avoid the environments where it is most likely to occur.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n 4. Accepting<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n I spent two intensive days with Alicia and her team as they developed their new \u201cseat at the table\u201d strategy. Using the wheel of change as her template, Alicia told the team they only had to make four decisions: choose one thing to create, preserve, eliminate, and accept.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Optimism – not only feeling it inside but showing it on the outside – is a magic move. People are automatically drawn to the confident individual who believes everything will work out. They want to be led by this person. They\u2019ll work overtime to help this person succeed. Optimism almost makes the change process a self-fulfilling prophecy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Part of the problem, my daughter patiently explained, is that despite the massive spending on training, companies may end up doing things that stifle rather than promote engagement. It starts with how companies ask questions about employee engagement. The standard practice in almost all organizational surveys on the subject is to rely on what Kelly calls passive <\/em>questions – questions that describe a static condition. \u201cDo you have clear goals?\u201d is an example of a passive question. It\u2019s passive because it can cause people to think of what is being done to them rather than what they are doing for themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When people are asked passive questions they almost invariably provide \u201cenvironmental\u201d answers. Thus, if an employee answers \u201cno\u201d when asked, \u201cDo you have clear goals?\u201d the reasons are attributed to external factors such as \u201cMy manager can\u2019t make up his mind\u201d or \u201cThe company changes strategy every month. The employee seldom looks within to take responsibility and say, \u201cIt\u2019s my fault.\u201d Blame is assigned elsewhere. The passive construction of \u201cDo you have clear goals?\u201d begets a passive explanation (\u201cMy manager doesn\u2019t set clear goals\u201d).<\/p>\n\n\n\n The result, argued Kelly, is that when companies take the natural next step and ask for positive suggestions about making changes, the employees\u2019 answers once again focus exclusively on the environment, not the individual. \u201cManagers need to be trained in goal setting\u201d or \u201cOur executives need to be more effective in communicating our vision\u201d are typical responses. The company is essentially asking, \u201cWhat are we doing wrong?\u201d – and the employees are more than willing to oblige with a laundry list of the company\u2019s mistakes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There is nothing inherently evil or bad about passive questions. They can be a very useful tool for helping companies know what they can do to improve. On the other hand, they can produce a very negative unintended consequence. When asked exclusively, passive questions can be the natural enemy of taking personal responsibility and demonstrating accountability. They can give people the unearned permission to pass the buck to anyone and anything but themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Active questions are the alternative to passive questions. There\u2019s a difference between \u201cDo you have clear goals?\u201d and \u201cDid you do your best to set clear goals for yourself?\u201d The former is trying to determine the employee\u2019s state of mind; the latter challenges the employee to describe3 or defend a course of action. Kelly was pointing out that passive questions were almost always being asked while active questions were being ignored.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The third group went to the same two-hour training session. Their training was followed up every day (for ten working days) with active questions:<\/p>\n\n\n\n At the end of two weeks, the participants in each of the three groups were asked to rate themselves on increased happiness, meaning, positive relationships, and engagement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The results were amazingly consistent. The control group showed little change (as control groups are wont to do). The passive questions group reported positive improvement in all four areas. The active questions group doubled that improvement on every item! Active questions were twice as effective at delivering training\u2019s desired benefit to employees. While any follow-up was shown to be superior to no follow-up, a simple tweak in the language of follow-up – focusing on what the individual can control – makes a significant difference.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Given people\u2019s demonstrable reluctance to change at all, this study shows that active self-questioning can trigger a new way of interacting with our world. Active questions reveal where we are trying and where we are giving up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Testing, Testing on Me<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n For years I\u2019ve followed a nightly follow-up routine that I call Daily Questions, in which I have someone call me wherever I am in the world and listen while I answer a specific set of questions that I have written for myself. Every day. For the longest time there were thirteen questions, many focused on my physical well-being, because if you don\u2019t have your health\u2026 well, you know the rest. The first question was always \u201cHow happy was I today?\u201d (because that\u2019s important to me), followed by questions like:<\/p>\n\n\n\n As an experiment, I tweaked the questions using Kelly\u2019s \u201cDid I do my best to\u201d formulation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Suddenly, I wasn\u2019t being asked how well I performed but rather how much I tried. The distinction was meaningful to me because in my original formulation, if I wasn\u2019t happy or I ignored Lyda, I could always blame it on some factor outside myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Adding the words \u201cdid I do my best\u201d added the element of trying <\/em>into the equation. It injected personal ownership and responsibility into my question-and-answer process. After a few weeks using this checklist, I noticed an unintended consequence. Active questions themselves didn\u2019t merely elicit an answer. They created a different level of engagement with my goals.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Since then I\u2019ve gone through many permutations of my Daily Questions. The list isn\u2019t working if it isn\u2019t changing along the way – if I\u2019m not getting better on some issues and adding new ones to tackle. Here\u2019s my current list of twenty-two \u201cDid I do my best?\u201d questions that I review every day:<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n The point is, your Daily Questions should reflect your objectives. They\u2019re not meant to be shared in public (unless you\u2019re writing a book on the subject), meaning they\u2019re not designed to be judged. You\u2019re not constructing your list to impress anyone. It\u2019s your list, it\u2019s your life. I score my \u201cDid I do my best\u201d questions on a simple 1-10 scale. You can use whatever works for you. Your only considerations should be:<\/p>\n\n\n\n A Distinction with a Difference<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s what makes active<\/em> questions a magic move. Injecting the phrase \u201cDid I do my best to….\u201d triggers trying.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A few months later when I checked in with him, he described how the questions changed his life. Although he was healthy and in his forties, he had a wife and two sons who depended on him. It bothered him that he didn\u2019t have life insurance to protect his family. So he added the following to his daily list of questions: Are you updated on your life insurance?<\/em> It wasn\u2019t much of a behavioral goal, more like a specific chore that he could do once and erase from his list. And yet\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n For fourteen consecutive days, he answered the life insurance question with a \u201cno.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Her next step was embracing the concept of active question to focus on effort <\/em>rather than results<\/em>. She would phrase her goals as \u201cDid I do my best to\u2026\u201d rather than \u201cDid I\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n One of the unappreciated benefits of Daily Questions is that they force us to quantify an unfamiliar data point: our level of trying<\/em>. We rarely do that. We treat effort as a second-class citizen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n No Emily would have to come up with cooking and eating habits that went beyond the quick fix of juicing. She was entering a second phase of behavioral change, one where she was creating<\/em> rather than eliminating. The old Daily Questions no longer applied. She needed to retool her goals into a plan that made sense for the rest of her life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 3. They highlight the difference between self-discipline and self-control.<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Self-discipline refers to achieving desirable behavior<\/em>. Self-control refers to avoiding undesirable behavior<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We reveal our preference for self-discipline or self-control in the way we phrase our Daily Questions. It\u2019s one thing to ask ourselves, \u201cDid I do my best to limit my sugar consumption?\u201d and another to ask, \u201cDid I do my best to say no to sweets?\u201d The former calls for self-discipline, the latter self-control. Depending on who we are, that subtle adjustment can make all the difference.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Daily Questions, by definition, compel us from our obsession with results (because that\u2019s now what we\u2019re measuring). In turn, we are free to appreciate the process of change and our role in making it happen. We\u2019re no longer frustrated by the languid pace of visible progress – because we\u2019re looking in another direction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Daily Questions remind us that:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Note: 2007 Book What Got You Here Won\u2019t Get You There<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Not long ago I worked with an executive named Griffin whose behavioral issue was adding too much value at work. If one of his people came in with a new idea, instead of saying \u201cGreat idea,\u201d he displayed an uncontrollable urge to improve it. Sometimes his contribution was helpful, other times questionable. The problem was, while he may have improved the content of the idea by 10 percent, he reduced the employee\u2019s ownership of the idea by 50 percent. He was stifling debate and creativity – and driving away talent. He was a quick study and with Daily Questions was soon awarding himself 10s for not<\/em> adding value.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Am I willing, To make the investment required It\u2019s Always an Empty Boat<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n The Buddhist wisdom is contained in the Parable of the Empty Boat:<\/p>\n\n\n\n A young farmer was covered with sweat as he paddled his boat up the river. He was going upstream to deliver his produce to the village. It was a hot day, and he wanted to make his delivery and get home before dark. As he looked ahead, he spied another vessel, heading rapidly downstream toward his boat. He rowed furiously to get out of the way, but it didn\u2019t seem to help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He shouted, \u201cChange direction! You are going to hit me!\u201d To no avail. The vessel hit his boat with a violent thud. He cried out, \u201cYou idiot! How could you manage to hit my boat in the middle of this wide river? As he glared into the boat, seeking out the individual responsible for the accident, he realized no one was there. He had been screaming at an empty boat that had broken free of its moorings and was floating downstream with the current.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We behave one way when we believe that there is another person at the helm. We can blame that stupid, uncaring person for our misfortune. This blaming permits us to get angry, act out, assign blame, and play the victim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We behave more calmly when we learn that it\u2019s an empty boat. With no available scapegoat, we can\u2019t get upset. We make peace with the fact that our misfortune was the result of fate or bad luck. We may even laugh at the absurdity of a random unmanned boat finding a way to collide with us in a vast body of water.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The moral: there\u2019s never anyone in the other boat. We are always screaming at an empty vessel. An empty boat isn\u2019t targeting us. And neither are all the people creating the sour notes in the soundtrack of our day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I like to make this point in leadership classes with a simple exercise. I\u2019ll ask a random audience member to think of one person who makes him or her feel bad, angry, or crazy. \u201cCan you envision that person?\u201d I ask.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A nod, a disgusted face, and then, \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHow much sleep is that person losing over you tonight?\u201d I ask. 4. When discussions don\u2019t go our way.<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Another Peter Drucker quote changed my life. I tell it to everyone I coach, some would say over and over again: \u201cEvery decision in the world is made by the person who has the power to make the decision. Make peace with that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n But it\u2019s also a reminder about power: decision makers have it, the rest of us don\u2019t. Sometimes the decision makers\u2019 choices are logical and wise, other times irrational, petty, and foolish. That doesn\u2019t change the fact that they are still the decision makers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We go through life grumbling about what should be<\/em> at the expense of accepting what is<\/em>. Within that bubble of delusion, we grant ourselves an autonomy and superiority we have not earned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If this is your issue – habitually disagreeing with a decision – AIWATT blesses you with the simplest of cost-benefit analyses: Is this battle worth fighting?<\/em> If your answer is no, put the decision behind you and plant your flag where you can make a positive difference.<\/p>\n\n\n\n No idea looms bigger in Alan\u2019s mind than the importance of structure in turning around an organization and its people. I believe that the Business Plan Review (BPR) process that he has developed is the most effective use of organizational structure that I have ever observed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What\u2019s going on here? Why do our discipline and decisiveness fade at the end of the day, to the point where we opt to do nothing instead of doing something enjoyable or useful? It\u2019s not because we\u2019re inherently weak. It\u2019s because we\u2019re weakened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The social psychologist Roy F. Baumeister coined the term ego depletion<\/em> in the 1990s to describe this phenomenon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Structure is how we overcome depletion. In an almost magical way, structure slows down how fast our discipline and self-control disappear. When we have structure, we don\u2019t have to make as many choices; we just follow the plan. And the net result is we\u2019re not being depleted as quickly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The Awful Meeting<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, imagine that you have to go to a one-hour meeting that will be pointless, boring, a time-suck better spent catching up on your \u201creal\u201d work. (We\u2019ve all been there.) You have no interest in masking how you feel about the meeting. You walk in sporting a sullen look on your face, signaling that you\u2019d rather be anywhere but here. You slouch in your chair, resisting eye contact, doodling on a notepad, speaking only when you\u2019re called on, making perfunctory contributions. At meeting\u2019s end, you\u2019re the first one out the door. Your goal was to spend the hour being miserable – and you succeeded.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now imagine at meeting\u2019s end you will be tested – just you – with four simple questions about how you spent that hour:<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you knew that you were going to be tested, what would you do differently to raise your score on any of these four items?<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ve posed this question to thousands of executives. Some typical responses:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here\u2019s my radical suggestion. From now on, pretend that you are going to be tested at every meeting!<\/p>\n\n\n\n You answer your Daily Questions each night and gradually reap the benefit many months later. It\u2019s not an overnight religious conversion. You\u2019re playing a long game.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Hourly Questions are for the short game – when we require a burst of discipline to restrain our behavioral impulses for a defined period of time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 2. When we\u2019re working pro bono<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n The takeaway: Pro bono is an adjective, not an excuse. If you think doing folks a favor justifies doing less than your best, you\u2019re not doing anyone any favors, including yourself. People forget your promise, remember your performance.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n 3. When we behave like \u201camateurs\u201d.<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cAt work I have to be professional,\u201d he said. \u201cYour feedback taught me that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cAnd what about home?\u201d I asked. \u201cIt\u2019s okay to be an amateur with your family?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n 4. When we have compliance issues.<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n These are three random examples from our hundreds of small daily acts of disobedience and letting people down. Most of us don\u2019t notice our episodes of noncompliance, although we quickly spot them in others. It\u2019s the other guy who breaks a confidence, or litters, or texts while driving. Not us. We would never do that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The takeaway: When we engage in noncompliance, we\u2019re not just being sloppy and lazy. It\u2019s more aggressive and rude than that. We\u2019re thumbing our noses at the world, announcing, \u201cThe rules don\u2019t apply to us. Don\u2019t rely on us. We don\u2019t care.\u201d We\u2019re drawing a line at good enough and refusing to budge beyond it.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n The first objective is awareness – being awake to what\u2019s going on around us. Few of us go through our day being more than fractionally aware. We turn off our brains when we travel or commute to work. Our minds wander in meetings. Even among the people we love, we distract ourselves in front of a TV or computer screen. Who knows what we\u2019re missing when we\u2019re not paying attention?<\/p>\n\n\n\n The statement I just need someone to talk to<\/em> is a trigger – a trigger for Jim to stop what he\u2019s doing and listen<\/em>. He\u2019s not being asked for his opinion or help. He\u2019s not being asked to say anything at all. Just listen. It is the easiest \u201cask\u201d of his day. He should cherish it as an unexpected gift.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We are willfully choosing to be miserable and making others miserable, too. The time we are miserable is time we can never get back. Even more painful, it was all our doing. It was our choice. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Triggers: Creating Behavior That Lasts\u2014Becoming the Person You Want to Be Marshall Goldsmith Introduction These triggers appear suddenly and unexpectedly. They can be major moments, like Phil\u2019s concussion, or as minor as a paper cut. They can be pleasant, like a teacher\u2019s praise that elevates our discipline and ambition – and turns our life […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4152,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[238,239,242],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4151","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-booknotes","category-health-and-wellness","category-psychology"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4151","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4151"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4151\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4154,"href":"http:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4151\/revisions\/4154"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/4152"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4151"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4151"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.mattwkane.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4151"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}<\/a>Chapter 2: Belief Triggers That Stop Behavioral Change in Its Tracks<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/a>Chapter 3: It\u2019s the Environment<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
<\/a>Chapter 4: Identifying Our Triggers<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
<\/a>Chapter 5: How Triggers Work<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
<\/a>Chapter 6: We Are Superior Planners and Inferior Doers<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
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<\/a>Chapter 7: Forecasting the Environment<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
<\/a>Chapter 8: The Wheel of Change<\/h1>\n\n\n\n\n\n
<\/a>Part Two: Try
Chapter 9: The Power of Active Questions<\/h1>\n\n\n\n\n
<\/a>Chapter 10: The Engaging Questions<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
\n
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<\/a>Chapter 11: Daily Questions in Action<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
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<\/a>Chapter 12: Planner, Doer, and<\/em> Coach<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
<\/a>Chapter 13: AIWWATT<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
At this time,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
To make a positive difference
On this topic?<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
\u201cNone.\u201d
\u201cWho is being punished here? Who is doing the punishing?\u201d I ask.
The answer inevitably is \u201cMe and me.\u201d
I end the exercise with a simple reminder that getting mad at people for being who they are makes as much sense as getting mad at a chair for being a chair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/a>Part 3: More Structure, Please
Chapter 14: We Do Not Get Better Without Structure<\/h1>\n\n\n\n<\/a>Chapter 15: But It Has to Be the Right Structure<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
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<\/a>Chapter 16: Behaving Under the Influence of Depletion<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
<\/a>Chapter 17: We Need Help When We\u2019re Least Likely to Get It<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
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<\/a>Chapter 18: Hourly Questions<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
<\/a>Chapter 19: The Trouble With \u201cGood Enough\u201d<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
<\/a>Part 4: No Regrets
Chapter 21: The Circle of Engagement<\/h1>\n\n\n\n<\/a>Chapter 22: The Hazard of Leading a Changeless Life<\/h1>\n\n\n\n